I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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