Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
