Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
the condom got lost in my hair
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
