six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
