I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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