this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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