highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
