Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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