kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
