I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
