I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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