i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
