i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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