If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
We are two peas in an std pod
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Randomize
