i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
