??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
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