so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Randomize
