need another drink. this is the easiest way
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
