if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I'm really busy with my period
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