The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Terrible idea I love it
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
