I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
even my farts smell like vagina
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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