I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
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