just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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