I heard we made out
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I came so hard my ears popped.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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