if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
