Umm I'm too high to move.
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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