oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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