He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I am midnight drunk by noon
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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