No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
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