I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
