Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
