I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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