What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
