His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
