So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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