i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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