You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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