If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
