i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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