Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
