Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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