The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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