I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
