i was born a porn star she said
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize