so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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