Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
