I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
