I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
