I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
