I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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