i jhust puked up my retainher.
i just had sex bonerless
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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