the condom got lost in my hair
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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