You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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