Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize