I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
