Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
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