90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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