I think im going to throw up on grandma
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
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