he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
