my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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